Recently, Master and I have gone through yet another major drama that has created a stumbling block in our relationship. While discussing the aftermath of the aforementioned stumbling block, I realized that we both seem to have lost a part of ourselves. While we are going through the motions of our relationship, we both have felt that something was missing.
Only recently did I realize that it was the most intimate part of ourselves. Our relationship has never been conventional. That is understating it quite a bit. Master has been healing from his time abroad as well as some other deeply personal issues. This has brought him to rediscover himself. I have been standing by his side metaphorically speaking, supporting him in whatever way he needed. The situation and distance have brought us to a very vanilla relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, I love him, and it doesn’t matter to me if he chooses to no longer be his dominant self. While I hope this is not the case, I have to accept the situation as it is and allow myself to follow his lead. I am a caregiver by nature, which is how it became so easy to give him my submission. I wanted to make him happy and give him what he needed.
Over the last four and a half years of our physical separation, the D/s took a back seat. Master needed my unconditional love and support. So that’s what he got. While I would make sure that he knew that I loved him and still saw him as Master, I had to read the situation for what it was and be who he needed to be.
Now, I worry that that part of our relationship is gone. I have always been a strong and independent woman. However, falling in love with him and giving him all of me, has made it quite difficult for me to see my life without him. For a while, I thought I lost my slave self. Master has never used my slave name outside of scenes and it is painful to me.
I had become this other-self. I had embraced her so completely, that I chose to completely embody her at all times. When he uses my given name it’s like an ice pick in my heart. I know that he loves me, but I worry that that most intimate side is gone. So, what do I do?
For now, I follow his lead. He is, after all, my Master, my chosen other half. Obedience is only a part of who he needs me to be. Based on our recent conversations, I feel that he needs me to embrace my vanilla self. He needs me to be strong so that he can be strong. It is my turn to be his rock. By knowing that he can count on me in this capacity, he’ll know that it’s still safe to be his dominant self. Or at least I am hoping that I am right.
All I truly know is that he has always been a part of me and I him. With our family growing and evolving, he needs my love, support, and submission, now more than ever. I will continue to follow his lead, support him, and be who he needs me to be. I have not stood by his side for nearly a decade and a half to be scared off now.
Master has to find his way back to his dominant self in a healthy manner. He is still dominant, and my seeing him that way can help us both heal from the last five years. Being lost is hard. There were many times along this road that I felt very lost. It was his support and love that helped me find my way out of the dark. While I am being his guiding light I can work on being my submissive self.
I believe that a submissive/slave’s job is to be whatever their Master needs. For now, Master needs me to be my strength. He needs me to be better than I am, and continue to support him as I always have. In this, will find my submissive self again. I will start by reading through the library, I helped cultivate. I will live as I know he expects of me.
In this case, it means stepping back into the house slave role, I had when he was here. I need to care for my home as I once did his. This has always been difficult when he was not around. I know that he’s going to read this. I know the determination to find my submissive self and to help him come back to his dominant self by doing this will make him proud that he didn’t have to remind me of who I am. I am HIS. I will always be his. By my acting as befitting my role, it will help me find myself and ultimately my Master’s.
It is time to focus on us and our growth as individuals and as a couple. I am not going to be lost anymore. Master, I have come to find you. You have always been my strength, now I shall be yours. Together we will thrive and keep moving forward.
Maeve's Submission Talk 